A Male Mindset

Girls are mysterious, I said, in between bites of a hot meat pie and sauce.

They're exotic, amazing creatures, like beautiful birds of the air, my friend replied, walking beside drinking a lime milkshake.

Colourful and complicated…private creatures that love clothes, he added.

Untouchable, I replied.

They live on a different planet to us boys.

Yeah, another galaxy far beyond the smelly boarding school dormitory we sleep in.

We laughed together.

Although there was a hint of fear in our laughter.

Then we thought in silence. Eating and drinking. Walking back to the boarding house from the local shops, quietly worrying about the school dance coming up.

Dancing classes were proof.

I'm confused, I said, feels like one thing’s needed, but I don’t know what?

The

Evidence

For years evidence stood on the kitchen wall at home. Adult scribbles in pen, pencil, and permanent markers - whatever parents could find. Growth marks in different colours crept up the pantry cupboard like an unstoppable vine. A white laminated wall near the fruit bowl. Meticulous measurements. Proud records of kids growing up. Growth spurts recording the exact day, month, and year it happened. Take hold of your partner, the dance instructor said over the booming microphone.

Student

Ruler

Mum got the student ruler out from the third draw. She pressed down, top of my head. Hold it there, she said, be still, would you? Then carefully marked the spot on the kitchen wall. Okay, you can step aside now. Kids height was well documented. That was before our diligent cleaner was hired. She must have thought scribbling on the wall looked messy. She was right. So the cleaning lady, when the family was out, scrubbed for hours to get the marks off. Records gone forever. However, growth is more than height. Much more than sentimental attachments. Or physical appearances. Emotional growth remains unseen.

Difficult to

Pinpoint

I was insecure. Embarrassed about my height at school. Another self conscious teenager. Skinny with big ears, big knees, and big teeth. My dancing partner was similar, tall and thin. Growth is an intriguing process. Why? Because it's difficult pinpoint, unless, of course, pen marks are left behind. Growth is impossible to capture and control. To know when a growth spurt is happening; to understand why it’s happening; the pain that's involved; and what’s needed when it happens; isn’t always straightforward. Growth is mysterious. Amazing things happen when we grow. The earth speaks, then a tiny seed becomes a magnificent tree. Growing is miraculous.

“speak to the earth, let it teach you; and let the fish of the sea declare to you…now ask the beasts, and let them teach you; and the birds of the air, and let them tell you; in whose hand is the soul of every living thing and the breath of all mankind?” - Job 12:7

Growth

Spurt

I grew fast. At times feeling awkward and gangly. Forever hungry. In a short space of time I reached six foot six - one hundred and ninety-eight centimetres. Art was a refuge. A quiet place to reflect. Thinking time to process things. Where my sensitive soul could find safe harbour. Friends and relatives who hadn't seen me for a while would marvel. Wow, you've grown so fast, they'd say, aghast at my weight. You gotta get in the gym, they said, eat more and bulk up.

Not Manipulated Growth

That’s impossible, I thought to myself, eating another pie and drinking a lime milkshake after school. My body shame I tried to hide, not being sad was impossible. Now middle aged, I'm pleased to be me. But it's taken many years. Genuine growth and personal development happens slowly. Not manipulated growth, the result of a nefarious beneficiary pulling strings behind the scenes. Individuals grow at their own pace. Physical growth is effortless, happens relatively fast, without conscious thought. Spiritual growth requires more effort. Deliberate learning. Honesty. Sometimes painful hard labour for decades. One thing is needed.

Our Eyes Met

The school dance arrived. Adolescent hearts raced. Boys boasted, beating their chests with bravado in the dormitory corridors. The night I secretly dreaded had arrived. A night on the school calendar when blood red embarrassment was certain. Doors swung open. She entered from the opposite end of the hall. Our eyes met. My face went flush red. To my complete surprise another freak of nature turned up. My grandmother once said, with delightful wonder, there’s a lid for every saucepan. Weeks earlier, I told mum in a strict tone of voice, don't buy me shoes with heels, please don't. Social abnormalities haunted me. One thing was needed.

The Dance

Instructor

Head and shoulders above the crowd, she was difficult to miss. Even the boys looked short beside her. Together we looked like two long necked giraffes in a zoo. Our fenced off dusty exhibit was humid, with unforgiving floorboards that recorded every misstep. Teachers ushered us together. With heads hung low, we were too embarrassed to talk. The room fell quiet. Could hear the breath of mankind. Mates sniggered. The dance instructor spoke, issuing firm orders to the wild beasts, eager boys let loose on the all girls Catholic school. Hold your partner gently like this, he demonstrated on stage. Girls giggled. Meeting new partners as the circle progressed.

One Thing is Needed

Classical music started. Echoing through the old English school hall. Bouncing off the high ceilings and honour boards that lined the walls. I clasped Miss Giraffe’s anxious hand, wet with nervous energy. Seemed the whole world was watching. Everyone laughing at the two dancing Giraffe’s moving like stick insects. Tripping over each other, stepping on toes, bumping into neighbours, getting our rehearsed steps wrong. Both wishing it was over.

Here's the point: I've grown. Today I like my body. And don't get embarrassed so easily. This is what amazes me about the growing process: I find it fascinating. Intriguing. Strange that l don't know when l’m growing, but others do. Nor do l know how to grow, when l want to. Growth is mysterious, beyond reach. One thing is needed.

The Earth Speaks

Yet, at the right time, the earth speaks initiating orders, and tiny seeds start to grow. They sprout and rise above. Breaking through opposing forces, obstacles and delays pushed aside. Change occurs slowly. Nature understands: we develop into our predestined form when things are ready. When the appointed time comes to pass. Since dancing classes, this is what I know: God made me on purpose. He knows exactly where I am along the growth journey. He knows me much better than l know myself. So I trust him to grow me the way he wants too. For wisdom to grow, here's what’s needed.

Patience.